I have always shied away from "New Year's Resolutions". I have never put much thought into why, just never had the drive to make any 'resolutions' for myself. Maybe it is because it reminds me too much of childhood responsibilities as we were required to come up with these little nuggets every year, only to have others be disappointed with us when we missed those goals. Maybe it is due to an unreal idea that I will be judged if I dont hold up to those goals. Maybe I am just lazy, or better yet maybe I am actually not me but an alternate version of myself from a parallel dimension.
Whatever the reason, I realized that one thing in my life that causes me the most frustration is the seemingly lack of purpose.
Before you jump on me let me explain a bit. For most of my childhood and even into adulthood I have always had goals of a sort. Wanting to be something other than what we are is part of the growth process. I (like most children) wanted to be a Policeman, Firefighter, Astronaut, Fighter Pilot, etc, etc. Also like most children the older I got the more those ideas became refined and began to change less frequently... a pilot (of any kind), a chef, and ultimately a Pastor. It would take too much time to go into the why's of the pastor role at this point in time but it was ultimately what I wanted to be my goal of a career.
Fast forward from 1994 till today (wow... 23 years... dangit I am starting to feel a bit 'older' if you know what I mean) and you will see a much different and somewhat disappointed person. Not for reasons you may think, but for a seemingly small glitch in the thought matrix. I followed the dream/goal/plan for many years to be a Pastor ultimately leading me through seminary and into full time staff positions at multiple churches. The last church I was a part of was let go from the position due to money concerns as the church wanted to get a larger building. When I was let go from the last staff position, I began to question the path I was walking. Not question in a way that it seemed wrong, but more question the way I was going about the process of attaining the goal. It seemed that I was spending a majority of my time doing the processes that really had nothing to do with bringing me closer to the goals I had set in my life. As I started to try and clear up any issues in direction or goal setting one thing became painfully clear... I really needed a job.
I have always been a believer in the scripture that says "For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either." 2 Thessalonians 3:10... or to paraphrase my Dad, "Boy... you don't work, you don't eat!". So I did what most able bodied red-blooded American males do... looked for a job with the least amount of work for the most amount of pay!
HA! I jest (kind of). I actually already had some clients in php/web development and IT work that were some small residual income jobs that were already going so I decided to go out on my own full time as my own company. The story of my company is not really the reason I am typing this post, but more the past 8-10 or so years I have been working for my self in this company. I have realized the further I get into the 'machine' that my goals have shifted quite drastically from long term goals like Pastoring a church, or having the ability to retire, to more daily goals of "What does x client need from me today, and can I spend the day avoiding them so I can relax for a bit?" This is needless to say fairly exhausting. I have become yet another cog in a wheel, and to be honest... don't care for it.
This is not by any stretch a resignation letter of any kind, but more an attempt to come clean that I have ultimately become complacent and bored in my life. Not that my life is boring at all! Between losing our first dog this year, to having our second dog needing to go in for surgery to remove a tumor, to getting a sailboat, to (possibly) getting a jeep, to potentially losing a large client next year. There is plenty in my life that should keep me busy, but I think the real issue here is not that there isn't anything keeping me busy, but that there isn't anything (at the moment) off in the distance far enough I can set my mind on that will allow me to keep focus in one direction.
Focus on the horizon is so important. I have an astigmatism in my eyes that can cause some issues when flying/boating etc where I can get motion sick if the conditions are right. These conditions are lots of drastic movement, extreme heat, bad smells etc, but in most every case they are usually triggered when I have a limited or blocked view of the horizon. A focus point on the horizon can keep most motion sickness at bay and taking my eyes off that point can cause me to experience the turbulence and frustration much more acutely than not, and results in the loss of the ability to simply "enjoy the ride".
Why am I saying all of this? Well
1. I have ADD, so early mornings sometimes my brain sort of throws up on the nearest platform (blog post in this case), and
2. I am going to attempt to re-focus on that point on the horizon.
Hopefully in the next few months I will be able to refine what that actually looks like, but for the time being I will pretend it is the most brilliant thing you will ever hear from me (probably not cause I am pretty brilliant).
Here's to a better tomorrow... starting... well... probably tomorrow.